Oh, the audacity! So you fancy yourself a cider connoisseur, do you? Well, prepare to embark on a journey of questionable taste and unnecessary effort. We shall now delve into the absurdity that is brewing hard cider from scratch.
The Fool’s Guide to Apple Fermentation
Firstly, gather your apples – those glorious orbs of potential disappointment. It matters not which variety you choose; they will all succumb to your misguided attempts at fermentation. Next, crush these innocent fruits with an archaic contraption known as a press – because why use modern technology when antiquated methods are available?
A Dance with Yeast: The Folly Continues
Add yeast to the crushed apple pulp and watch as it transforms into something resembling liquid regret. This magical ingredient will consume the sugars in the fruit and produce alcohol – or so they say. But fear not! For this process requires patience and time – two things that could be better spent doing literally anything else.
Bottling Up Disappointment: The Final Act of Absurdity
Once your concoction has fermented for what feels like an eternity (but is probably just a few weeks), it’s time for bottling. Carefully siphon off the liquid using yet another ancient device called a racking cane – because simplicity is overrated.
In Conclusion: A Mockery of Sensibility
In conclusion, dear reader, brewing hard cider from scratch is nothing short of an exercise in futility. Why waste precious hours laboring over apples when store-bought options exist? Spare yourself the mockery of sensibility and indulge in readily available libations. Your taste buds will thank you.
